Alex & Kerry

Finally the day of the trip to the Ang Thong National Marine park was upon us! The weather was glorious! No storms were forecast! It was six in the morning!

Once we’d dragged ourselves to breakfast, we were met by a driver at the lobby, who was to transport us to the departure point of the boat. There are about a squillion such pick ups happening every day on Koh Samui, as the whole touristy industry of the island seems to be based around packaged tours like this, and as a rule they pick people up in the most ridiculously pimped out mini vans that seem like they’d be more at home in Las Vegas.

We picked up some Russians, and were deposited in the back garden of a small office space to await further arrivals. We were offered a “light breakfast” (toast), and were entertained by tales of 5 metre waves by one of the (alleged) speedboat drivers. We were all given coloured wristbands (ours were yellow) and once all parties were in attendance, we were sent off in other pimped-out minivans to several different locations. We were separated from the Russians, and didn’t see them again.

With a new pack of Brits in tow, we were handed off as a group to the actual speedboat operators themselves. The ones looking after us until that point might as well have been pretending to be sailors, as we never saw any of them near a boat. After a lengthy wait, during which time we paid close attention to the various staff members who were involved in preparations for the days trip, many more people had arrived, and eventually we were all loaded onto around 5 or 6 different speedboats, which all shot off in different directions. The trip took about an hour (although it felt longer due to the incessant chattering of a rather annoying Russian translator), but when we got there the scenery was utterly spectacular. The marine park was the location for the island paradise in the novel The Beach by Alex Garland.

We spent an hour snorkelling over shallow corals. Kerry hadn’t ever managed to get snorkelling to work for her, but managed it today – and just in time! Enormous sea urchins, swathes of tiny darting fishes, flitting yellow angel fish, and dozens of foot long blue/yellow/gold/green Parrotfish all just swirled around us, only ever inches out of reach.

The next part of the trip involved a high speed chase on a course through the 42 islands, which was very exciting, before we stopped at the largest island, Koh Wua Talap (population 10). Here we decided to give the kayaking a miss in favour of a nice sit down and a can of Chang.

The rest of the yellow wristband tour party arrived looking hot and bothered about 30 minutes later, and we all ate a delicious lunch of green curry and fried chicken. After lunch, to compensate for skipping the kayaking, Kerry and I decided to climb to the lookout point, which we were told would take around an hour and a half (I scoffed at this of course, assuring Kerry that we would be back in good time to set off on the next part of the trip an hour and 45 minutes later).

As we began the ascent, Kerry pointed out that she was only wearing flip flops, and the terrain was looking extremely difficult. However I advised doing it in her bare feet to make things easier, and we pressed on.

Hard work doesn’t begin to describe the climb. We were in a jungle, climbing what was basically just an outcrop of huge, incredibly sharp rocks that cut through the jungle for 500 metres, in 33 degree heat and 90% humidity (OH GOD THE SWEAT). The only way that you would know that this was a recognised path of any kind was the massive rope strung all the way through the jungle between the trees. It wasn’t decorative either – you really needed to use it to haul yourself up the mountain. Kerry was now (as I had advised) in her bare feet. Foolishly we pressed further up the trail, determined to get to the top. 10 metres from the end, we both nearly gave up, as the last section was made up of vertical shards of limestone completely exposed to the full glare of the sun, and it felt like climbing over burning hot bread knives.

However, with a superhuman final effort, we did eventually make it right to the top!

But at what cost? Well, shortly after beginning the descent it became clear that Kerry had no reserves of energy left. Having overexerted herself on the way up (due to lack of appropriate footwear), her legs had turned to jelly, she was overheating badly, and had lost the motivation that she was going to need to make it to the bottom. Normally this wouldn’t be a problem, but in this case we were on remote tropical island, and our boat was leaving in 25 minutes…

Despite my encouragement, 25 minutes later we were still a long way from the bottom, and I was beginning to panic a little. In an effort to help, I handed over my own trainers so that Kerry was able to move a little faster. This worked to a degree, but she was now climbing down the rocky terrain in clown shoes that threatened to fall off at any second. Eventually the terrain became a little easier, and I decided to make a run for the bottom (now in bare feet myself) to try and stop the boat before it left.

Needless to say, the boat was long gone.

Fortunately, I recognised the captain of another speedboat from that morning, and upon flashing my yellow wristband, he agreed to transport us off the island with his own tour when they left. I ran back to the bottom of the path to find a very hot Kerry finally emerging from the jungle. I immediately ran to buy her a coke.

The speedboat captain was as good as his word, and despite some suspicious looks from the blue wristband wearing passengers, we were transported safely back to Koh Samui. Unfortunately we missed out on visiting the emerald lake on one of the other islands, but we were so relived to be safe that we didn’t care at all.

We had to explain to various people back at the dock why we had come back on the wrong boat, but we eventually got directed towards the right driver, bought our commemorative plate, and went and hid in the mini van – in case any yellow-wristband-wearing customers spotted us.

With no Ang Thong trip to go to, and the threat of rain on the cards, we slept in today. But once up, we hurried to the pool (and, just in time) breakfast, to catch what we could of each.

Once ensconced under a parasol, we set to the task of “serious book reading”. So engrossed were we in our books and beer by the pool that we barely moved until 3pm, when we had to haul ourselves up to the lobby (the complex is built on a hill, and in 38 degrees and 90 percent humidity this was much more of an effort than you might imagine), in order to catch the shuttle bus we had previously booked to Chaweng.

The plan was to purchase some gifts for the kids from the market stalls, and go somewhere nice for dinner, but the markets weren’t set up yet, so we went for drinks to discuss plans for dinner.

We stopped at the first bar offering free Wi-Fi for customers, and watched the world go by. We saw workers sprouting from the back of trucks like toothbrush bristles, bench-laden pick-up trucks driving around looking for potential customers to whisk away to bars in more remote locations, and most surprisingly, the first policemen we’d seen since we arrived in Koh Samui!

We talked to the owner of the bar and he told us how the police are never around unless they’re cracking down on the issue of the month – he wasn’t sure what was on their hitlist that day, but he grinned at them through gritted teeth.

As it was getting dark, we headed back to the market. Kerry spotted a cocktail kiosk – a man makes you whatever cocktails you want right there on the street, for about £1.30. While he mixed our cocktails, Kerry went to look at tat on the stall next to the cocktails. This is the point where things went wrong…

The moment Kerry picked up the elephant/Buddha/ashtray thing (I actually have no idea what it really was), of course it fell to pieces on the floor. Immediately the woman in charge of the stall was round demanding money for the broken item.

It took around 10 minutes to finally resolve the situation, during which time Kerry was grabbed on the arm by the seller (who claimed to be phoning the police to come get us), I was held hostage by four Thai men (at this point Kerry fake-phoned the tourist police herself, as we didn’t have their number), I insulted the King of Thailand by throwing money to the ground in front of the seller (I was thrown to the ground myself for this mistake), and finally, inevitably, I handed over about five quid for the broken ornament. All while drinking a rather delicious Mojito.

Once the money was handed over, they all vanished as if nothing had happened. We didn’t even get to keep the broken ornament.

After that we weren’t feeling very warm towards Chaweng, however it does have all the nice restaurants, so we just went to the closest one, The Beach Club. It was quiet, but the location was stunning – under a huge tree right on Chaweng beach – and the food was simply out of this world – the Gold Bags being the highlight. The lowlight was spilling two entire beers over the floor. The staff thought I was guttered I think, but I’m going to go with A Little Shaken Up.

Stormy Sunday

We get up and plan for today to be do nothing and lounge by the pool and read day. We get up secure the pool side loungers (they have service buttons attached to the parasols, so can have the bar fetch you cocktails if you desire) we have the yummy breakfast, the most perfect omelettes made by the egg chef, outstanding quality.

Get ourselves all set on loungers, we lounge and get in our first reading session of the holiday. An hour later we decide that we’ll try snorkelling and kayaking. I need to get up to speed with my snorkelling as we have the most amazing snorkelling trip booked to Ang Thong Marine the next day. My problem with snorkelling is the shape of my face I can NEVER get a mask to stay on my face EVER! We try about 6 different makes and no joy – water gets in every one. Alex had a bit of a snorkel but he said too murky to see anything. Abandon snorkelling & move on to kayaking – it’s all complimentary gear from hotel. We have a great time kayaking and I think Alex is secretly pleased that I can actually do it! (I had a canoe as a kid I’m an expert !) we get out quite far but then we feel a wee bit of rain then we feel a lot of rain! We pick up speed and row like mad across the sea in torrential rain, it’s still boiling though and the rain is refreshing and it’s fun and exciting!!!

Back to shore and we head to the bar, it’s happy hour 1-2pm great timing for a torrential downpour! We eat yummy food & make great use of happy hour. The blue Hawaii cocktails are flowing, much debate over the fact they are not blue!

It’s still raining so we head back to villa and have wee nap and then ready for the evening.

I finally get my first Thai massage for £7.50! It’s wonderful, the lady uses her elbows and hands and crawls about all over me but she is incredibly gentle. Everything gets massaged even my hair!! Alex was going to get one too but the language barrier proved too much to explain we wanted a couples massage. He went across to the bar and had yet more Chang.

It had stopped raining finally so we stopped into tourist office to make sure all ok with the Ang Thong trip – unfortunately not, postponed until Tuesday as weather report really bad. Oh well meant we could stay up late as we wouldn’t have an early pick up. Woo! More food and drink and rounded off the evening at the beachside Cool Bar for more cocktails (my favourite being Rum Nuts)

Off to bed and then I wake up as I hear a god almighty clap of thunder. Fright! It’s so so loud and then I hear unrelenting torrential rain, more deafening thunder & flashes of lightning. I’m petrified and think something bad is happening out there. The storm must have been right on top of us, I’ve never heard anything so loud. It was like the way they make thunder storms sound on tv. I ask Alex if everything is ok out there and tell him I’m really frightened he’s too sleepy to know what’s going on. I ride it out for next hour absolutely petrified – fall asleep and then ask Alex about it in the morning, obviously he knows nothing and slept through the whole thing!

Rainy Monday

As we’re not going to the marine park today we decide we’ll try for more lounging by the pool and fit in some more reading as we’ve only managed an hour so far!
Set ourselves all up, get an hour in and then I notice a very very large black cloud heading our way. Alex thinks it will pass us by….. well the wind picks up and everyone runs for it. We run back to the villa. We’ve got gin & vodka and nice balcony. I sit on balcony and Alex sets himself up in Jacuzzi with umbrella and book. We get another hour in.

We’re hungry and we need to go to tourist place to see what’s happening with the marine park. We take our umbrellas and off we go down to the local village in the torrential ray, it’s fine though cause it’s still boiling. Unfortunately the trip is postponed AGAIN due to more storms forecast for the marine islands. We delay until Wed and if we miss out again on wed then that’s it we won’t be going.

Off we go for early dinner and then hot foot it back to hotel for happy hour, hungry again so we go back to restaurant again for dinner number two & then back to hotel bar for the daily complimentary cocktails. Bed!

Yesterday we hired a car. We wanted the jeep…. easiest hire of car ever, you don’t even show your licence. We got the key, had a look at jeep and immediately decided we wanted a more modern car. Upgrade to Toyota something or other, automatic, oh god! We decide Alex should navigate, so I would drive. After much carry on with me trying to reverse the car, beeping horn etc I soon mastered it. It’s really hard to teach yourself that the brake is not the clutch.

So off we go and we make our way to Big Buddha. It’s a bloody big Buddha. We think we might be finished with Buddhas, once you’ve seen one big Buddha etc etc.

We take ourselves off to Fisherman’s Village, really lovely kind of upmarket stalls – have a wander, stop for coffee, chat to owner who is from Dundee.

We’re hungry and we find the most stunning beachside restaurant. I have delicious smoked salmon pasta. It’s just a beautiful setting.

Time to head off to the jungle! We want to go to see two waterfalls in the jungle where you can swim in the waterfall water. I am feeling all smug and A all proud of wife for super island driving. We have to get up a massive hill driving through the jungle to get to the first waterfall.

We get as far as we are allowed with the car and then we make a jungle school boy error. We think we should leave our money and camera in the car. We didn’t realise it was a good 30 minute walk through the jungle in the blistering heat all up hill and over treacherous bridges made from bamboo and old planks with rope handles. We only have a tiny bit of water left and are gutted when we get to the top and there are wee bars serving ice cold beer- Arghhhhh!

Anyway waterfall stunning and there is a place to jump in. We both jump in then both have the same panic – WEDDING RINGS… are they still on our fingers after the jump? Phew .. all ok! So we swim around for a bit and then very reluctantly make the descent with tiny smidgen of water and are pissed off as we have no photos!! Well we’re happy jungle done.

At the bottom we get the cold beer and watch people on elephants. It’s a bit too late for us to go on an elephant and Alex is very reluctant. We might go back as there is a safari park,

Head back to apartment – sleep. Dinner at fisherman’s again after good few cocktails and beer. I have to have the satay & fish cakes again, so yummy. Alex opts for garlic coconut thing. Yum!

We then head down to The Cool Bar. Alex fell in love. Just his thing with bit of reggae music, loungers right on the beach and they fetch a log for your feet. The most amazing cocktails at £2 each. They have no toilet. You must just pee in the sea or against a tree!

We wander along the beach back to the apartment.

Tomorrow is lounging by pool & Thai massage day.

We’re really starting to miss our kids.

X

It turns out that hangovers are even harder to deal with when it’s 38 degrees, and sweat dripping into your eyes stings them painfully at all times.

We managed to spend a lot of time achieving very little today. We napped. We sat on the beach but couldn’t leave the sun beds without nearly melting. We decided to walk to buy beers, and somehow managed to set off so that we were walking 40 minutes in the height of the heat. The cold coke at the end was pretty good though.

Eventually we packed our stuff and and a man carried our things to the spa room we had originally booked. Lovely room, beautiful flowers in the hot tub.

We ate in the local village again, this time at the other restaurant for dinner (the Barracuda). The Tom Yam soup was good enough, but tripadvisor was right, the first restaurant is the one to eat at.

Up we get & do the crazy drive to Bangkok airport, the traffic is insane.Mopeds everywhere, some driving on the pavements or driving on wrong side of the road, absolute chaos!

We flew with Bangkok Airline boutique service. Fab! They really look after you. Our flight was delayed for one hour so they gave us £7.50 each to buy lunch. OMG! Thai airport food is marvellous. I got another green curry & Alex had finally reached the tipping point & opted for a pizza.

We got access to a special lounge just for Bangkok Airline customers & more complimentary food & drink was had. Alex has discovered crispy buttered pumpkin. Yum!

The flight was easy only 50 minutes. As soon as we got off the plane it felt like a real weight had been lifted, no more dirty old men & girls! Woo!! This was it starting, proper luxury.

The drive to our hotel was simply beautiful. Koh Samui really is breath taking: palm trees, beautiful butterflies, birds tweeting non stop. The drive was so calm.

The boutique hotel is beautiful. We got upgraded from the jacuzzi room to a private pool room just for one night. Wow! We are completely secluded and no one can see us and we can’t see anyone. We think if we run down to the beach and hide they will just leave us here.

The beach is 2 minutes walk and again private just for the hotel customers. I count roughly 100 people in whole place.

We get 2 free cocktails every day and happy hour BOGOF happens twice in a day.

The evening was lovely. We watched the sunset from the beach bar, consumed lots of cocktails and off to find food we went. I had read that there are two places to go. Fisherman’s was our first stop. Lovely service (3 beers for £2.50!) I can’t cope with the food, I can only eat a starter & then I am full. Yummy food again, more satay and delicious fish cakes that were soft and not crispy, simply delicious.

Back to the beach bar we go and lubricated enough we start talking to a young German couple: Mert & Sandra. They are police officers and they are in the apartment next to us. Needless to say we invited them back to see the pool. More beer. Alex and Mert were doing shots of gin. Oh dear. This morning I find Alex asleep in the bathroom on the cold hard floor! Much merriment had by all. We made a plan to see the island with them. So we will split the cost of a hire car.

Today is all about relaxation and doing NOTHING! I am writing this outside on the day bed. Alex is having a nap. Bliss!

Theme of today: sweat!

Despite Kerry’s protestations over breakfast in bed (we ordered room service), I insisted we took the river bus again today, as it was cheap and easy, with no bartering involved! The skytrain was even easier on the second go, and we managed to squeeze on the boat just about – but we were right by the engine so the noise was deafening!

First stop was Wat Pho: the temple of the reclining Buddha. The Buddha in question was FREAKING ENORMOUS, and gold. The most memorable part of the experience however may have been how unbelievably sweaty the whole affair was. I was soaked through several times over, as was Kerry.

After a free water (included in the £2.50 entrance fee) we went to see the rest of the Buddhas. There were hundreds of the buggers! Lining every wall, tons of different faced gold Buddhas of various sizes peered down at you from every side. We even saw some people making new ones.

We were about to pass out from heat exhaustion at this point, so we stopped off at a pavement side restaurant for Thai green curry, a chicken fried rice, beer, and freshly squeezed pineapple juice. We were sat at a table on the pavement so there was no air-con, but it was bloody excellent nonetheless.

Next on the agenda was Wat Arun – a 7.5p ferry ride away on the other side of the river. When we arrived it was around 38 degrees C, and we very nearly didn’t climb the Wat. Luckily we did eventually manage to muster the energy, and it was more than worth it – the views were awesome and the experience magical.

Due to the lack of shade however, both Kerry and I were feeling decidedly ropey after the incredibly steep climb back down, and were only saved from a certain death by ice creams and sprite.

After a very long wait in baking temperatures we finally caught the boat bus back down the river, and the sky train home. Even though the train was packed with school kids and workers, the air-con felt like the very giver of life itself.

After cold showers at the hotel, it was straight back out to Above Eleven, one of Bangkok’s many rooftop bars. We picked it because it was nearby (visible from our room in fact), but the cocktails were lovely (altough they nearly blew away) ans the views were nothing short of spectacular.

Once we were back into the hustle and bustle of Bangkok, the continual presence of middle aged white guys with teenage Thai girls was really getting on our nerves. The sex tourism trade is visible at all times of day and night in Bangkok, in every bar and every restaurant, and combined with the deprivation on show by the disabled beggars, can be somewhat depressing.

Fortunately however our next stop was a glorious haven away from all the chaos outside. Dedicated to spreading the message of sex education through the medium of Thai food (sounds tenuous I agree), Cabbages and Condoms was an incredible oasis, and the food was simply divine.

Well where do I start. The theme of this evening is ‘fraught’

We went down to hotel bar & had yummy cocktails in the happy 2 hours, £5 for 2 cocktails pretty good.

Then it was time to let battle commence. Out into the craziness we go. We wanted to go to the Bus Stop bar & had it all loaded up on trip advisor with the map. Couldn’t find it & we walked & walked & walked & walked some more (dodging the beggars: a kid who couldn’t walk who got around on a skateboard, the blind karaoke man, the man dragging his body along the ground – looked like he had half a leg, these beggars are famous- pictures of them online) Anyway getting a bit annoyed at this point as we are hungry & just want local yummy food which the bus stop was meant to provide us with.

Change of plan, so we stop off at a Lounge bar with a jazz band singing things like Gangham style and Aleisha Keyes, not bad but bit odd. Anyway lovely cocktails. We decide to soldier on & see what we can find for dinner. One problem needs solved (no shoe saga) I need closed toe shoes for the sky bar tomorrow. We start off with first guy saying 250 baht then he goes down to 150 baht we want for 75 baht, no sell! The next guy wants 200, no sell. The next guy wants 250 (kill me now my feet are killing me) we settle on 150 baht … arghhh same as first guy. Bartering is hard going when you have sore feet & are hungry!

Anyway all good and ready for more investigation for food. We find local outdoor place (this one has a floor) Had amazing food and was exactly what we hoped for … best Thai Tom yum & green curry EVER!!!

We eat, we observe about 50 guys with their Thai girl, there is no end. One girl was unlucky her guy buggered off. Some of the old guys are really creepy.

We are very tired after long day & found the sanctuary of hotel a god send. It’s tough out there! Gin & Vodka in fridge (£6 a bottle!) :)

We try to plan our last day & night. Thinking reclining Buddha, pretty gardens, sky bar & maybe same place for dinner was so yummy! We might take a wander up the red light district (the tourist friendly one) if we’re brave enough. Being lazy tomorrow and getting a taxi, can’t face the bus boat again!

Think we need a holiday after this Bangkok malarkey …. oh wait!

33 degrees , constant dry throat. 2-3 showers a day.

A friend recommended Cabbages & Condoms restaurant. Think will look for it.

http://www.pda.or.th/restaurant/menu.html

X

Today’s agenda: wats! We took the sky train from Nana (pronounced naaanaaa) all the way to the river, where we were conned into paying 7:50 for a trip that should only have cost 75p! We didn’t know this until the way back though, so we enjoyed the ride very much.

Once disembarked at the other end we managed to avoid being conned into paying a “landing fee” thanks to some helpful Chinese tourists, and then bought orange juice in the market.

At the Grand Palace we were blown away by the architecture – so unbelievably lavish! It was hot as hell, especially as we had to cover our legs to get in, but we made it round without melting thanks to free drinking water. Did some ridiculous posing in front of statues.

After that it was some authentic Thai spicy fish curry in one of the million or so street side cafe things (more like run down store rooms really – we shared our table with a spider), and chicken wings from a street vendor.

After making it back to the pier we realised our mistake with the previous boat journey, and instead caught the 75p river boat, which had about 3 times more people on it than you would have thought possible. The operators use whistles creatively to warn about things, but we weren’t always sure what for.

Once back on dry land we took a walk along a very busy main road where not a single other tourist was in sight. We nearly got run down at the crossing, where the rules of getting across are completely opaque. We simply wait until locals cross and then run with them.

Down a side street we bought cold Chang from one of the tiny shops, and sat in the road drinking them. A local girl laughed out loud at us as she walked past, but the beer was so good and cold that we didn’t care.

We LOVE Bangkok … closing eyes to
beggars with babies at breast & children sleeping on boxes. Spoke to locals about it they have no sympathy & call them lazy ‘get a job!’ Oh my ! There is a distinctive smell, at night .. wonder if there in Daytime? really stinky &
dirty smell.

Got here ( upgrade) shower,my feet killing me in pink pumps all scratched & sore ready for flip flops only to see I packed NO shoes! Task 1 ‘buy flip flops’

Off we go all washed & in holiday clothes A looking very handsome in his new shirt ( we discovered he forgot to pack more jeans) walking along very tight pavement , it’s packed, hustle bustle, markets, street food!!! First stop? street food: crispy chicken with a spicy sauce 60p a thigh, ‘best chicken ever!!!’

Off we go, more wandering along the market, you want anything? We can buy. Amazing they have EVERYTHING & sellers do not hassle you at all. You know like in Tunisia where they annoy you to get your money? Here they don’t. We found fake havaiananas. £3 .. actually wasn’t going to buy & as we walked away price drops to £2 … buy!

Thai massage everywhere looks like going rate is about £7! Oh my cant wait!

Sort of pub crawl last night. Great fun people watching. Spied a dirty old man & a Thai boy prostitute transaction. There were a fair few prostitutes but again it’s weird cause it is somewhat civilised they do not hassle anyone, if they see a man on own then they place their hand on shoulder to get attention.

Discussed my guilt about us being here & poor deprived people & speaking to the waitress from Vietnam made me feel better as she had no time for beggars. The tourists provide money &
jobs for many people etc etc

We are on 15th floor a hotel. Very nice.

We walked quite a lot last night to get a feel for the place.,we are right next io the sky train so Tuesday we are going to work out on own way to grand palace .. Trip advisor on phone ACE!! Just whip it out at any point & it points us to near top restaurants, pubs etc, all
the pubs, restaurants begging to be rated on trip advisor,

It is very very hot & humid. Alex thinks its funny you go inside to get fresh
air (air conditioning ) outside .. bang, very hot & that was from 9.30 pm .. wonder what the daytime weather holds for us.

Hot pink taxis!

Love to all.

Xxxxxxxx